Friday, June 29, 2007

How not to Write

Please note that the correct spelling is: Restaurant.

i.e: A food service establishment that provides seating and serves food and beverages to be consumed on the premises.






Close enough, but not quite yet... again: Res-tau-rant.




I 'm quite sure everybody knows how it should be spelled.... Everybody except for the talented artist who's responsible for this graffiti.......

Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to Trick a Military Doctor

While working on the department's budget and all the expenses with Amir, we started having flash backs from our (separate) military service. We served in different units and probably not in parallel period, but nothing really changes.

We actually started to remember the sort of urban legends running among soldiers, suggesting how to trick a military doctor into giving a soldier sick days.

Here are some of the methods, we tried none of which.

The none harmful ones:
1. Rub the thermometer against your uniform (the thigh is the highly common and most recommended part of your body to do so, for the most effective fraction). The thermometer will show you have a fever. works on digital thermometer.
It actually works! I saw a girl doing that at the clinic in Bahad 7, but it showed she had over 40c... You might guess she didn't really look like having over 40c, otherwise she wouldn't be able to do anything other than hallucinate... So she quickly reset the thermometer. Can't remember what happened next. Just be wise and be able to improvise if needed.
There's no guarantee for mercury thermometer.

2. Drink tea, coffee or any other kind of a hot drink just before putting a thermometer in the mouth. It should show a higher body temperature.

3. Few drops of lemon into your urine cup will suggest you have an inflammation of the bladder (Cystitis) when you are asked to put a stick in it.

The sadistic one:

4. Few drops of blood into your urine cup will also suggest you have an inflammation of the bladder when you are asked to put a stick in it.

The disgusting ones:
5. Swallow cigarettes ashes (or drink it with water or juice) and you will get a fever.

6. Scratch some of the layer full of germs off you teeth, and infiltrate your eye(s). That should cause an eye infection.

And the nutcase one:
7. Put lots of thin layers of potato around your foot joint. It is said that the potato takes out the calcium from the bone. one small wrong, you will break a leg.

We suggested that someone should pick up the glove, and make a program similar to Discovery's Myth Busters, and check each and every method in laboratories (and clinics, of course!) made especially for that purpose.

2 stories we've heard:
A soldier told the doctor that he paid for sex (I don't tag people). The doctor sends him to have an HIV test, and gives him 14 sick days, until his tests results should arrive.
Another story is about a soldier that told the doctor he fell in the bathroom and threw-up after it. He got few sick days because those symptoms suggested a head-concussion.

I don't know of any successful experiment using those methods, except for no. 1. If a soldier reads this post, and decides to try and use one or more of the methods and stories, please let us all know whether it works and whether doctors buy it!

Break a Leg!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

How to Land yourself a Professional Cricket Player

Just memorize the rules of Cricket:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out becomes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Howzat!

A note: Today's tip is not my creation, but it was funny enough to put it in anyway.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_towel_explanation_of_cricket)

Monday, June 18, 2007

How to Destroy a Shiny New Mercedes

Today's tip is courtesy of our company's shuttle driver.

If you should park your bus, first make sure there's a Shimmery Beige New Mercedes parking from behind. Then switch the gear to reverse mode and push the gas pedal. Please make sure you don't use your side-mirrors as you continue progressing with the reverse mode. Ignore the shouting of "Ya Maniac".

Don't stop until you realize the Mercedes driver is alerted enough to not let you destroy his precious one, by driving backwards as well. Then you should realize you better give up, as the Mercedes driver is foiling each and every one of your attempts.

After you surrendered, please allow the Mercedes driver get out of his precious one, while the keys are left inside, walk toward you, inside your precious bus, and scream and yell at you.
Don't forget to point at each other and call each other names.
And enjoy the moment, of course!

Sweet, sweet surrender....

Thursday, June 14, 2007

How to Scare Families Away

If you are under 16, please don't read that post (even if you think you are more mature than that).

Yesterday I went with Ellen and Or to Max Brenner, which is a great Chocolate Bar. We were eating the most amazing deserts, drooling of melting chocolates (I dealt with the white chocolate while Or and Ellen were after the milk chocolate) when a family with two kids sat at the next table. The younger one was no more than 1 year old, and had the scariest face I've ever seen (for a baby). I couldn't decide whether he had a scared or scary look. The other was a 3 or 4 years old girl. She looked OK, by the way.

I was a bit afraid of the little boy, and told Or and Ellen that he scares me. I almost certain I said it out loud. So in order to help the family move a table, we started saying things that the parents probably didn't want their kids to hear, because they moved to another table eventually... No more than 5 minutes after they sat next to us!

You probably ask yourself: What did they talk about?
well, we started saying things like:
"I think she's bi-sexual!"
"He met his boyfriend when he was working in a restaurant. They make such a sexy couple!"
"I don't have a boyfriend, I have something better called dildo!"
"My boyfriend just loves anal-sex!"

You probably noticed that Ellen has so many links in that post and ask yourselves why?..
So here's the answer you're looking for: I'm trying to beat Ellen DeGeneres.

To Be Continued

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

How to Make a Nuisance of Yourself at Work

Forwarding your calls to your department manager instead of your mobile.
After discovering that you made that itty-bitty-tiny mistake, don't forget to call the department manager and ask for the important messages.

That's what happens when the department manager's button is right next to your mobile's button.

Sorry, Gil...